The 2019 that Changed Everything

2019 turned out to be the most challenging year for me.

As much as everything turned out to be how I wished for, there were a number of occasions whereby I fell back to the pothole of frustration and devastation. This year, I experienced the best and worst moments of being in a classroom. I never knew I would be the happiest when teaching a group of adults and the most helpless when teaching a group of young kids – very much ironic to the life of an ex-secondary school teacher of 4 years.

Maybe I was neither competent nor versatile as I thought myself to be.

After experimenting with different school and classroom settings in this foreign land, I made a very difficult decision : to leave this feeling of helplessness and seek for satisfaction of accomplishment in another career.

Perhaps it was just the fact that I had not found the pathway to realise my dream for the time being. Or perhaps, it was just the imperfect me making mistakes.

This year, I had also experienced the joys and sorrows of love. I thought that I overcame the worst part of a relationship while being distant, only to realise that being together might be the most challenging.

Thank you 2019, for the lessons that you taught.

A Dream

8 weeks ago, I came to where everything began. Stepping my feet once again in the UK felt like a dream, once again.

5 weeks ago, I struck it lucky again by getting the opportunity to teach English for Academic Purpose for a contracted time. I am now back to doing what I enjoy most – teaching.

Am I living my dream now?

Yes.

But, how long will it last?

My First Resignation Letter

After being on hiatus for almost 4 years, here I am again! To Nik, finally I am fulfilling that ‘one day’. 😂

This morning, I signed and handed in my resignation letter in advance before the upcoming school holidays. For a very brief moment, my heart sank. Am I ready for this? The past 3 years and 9 months had passed by in the blink of eye, with different students and colleagues leaving each year. I could still remember the despair on the day I found out which school I was posted to and the terror when I first met my Principal and colleagues on the same day. Now, it would remain as my first and last school in Malaysia.

Many have questioned me about the date I am leaving, but I do not have any answers up to this point. The process of emigrating is rather complicated as it is full of uncertainty. I do not know when I would submit my visa application, and if my application would be accepted. Being on a long-distance relationship for more than 5 years has strengthened me in many ways; I learnt that things cannot be rushed and both partners need to work really hard.

What lies ahead of me? 

Let’s see.

Things in life happen unexpectedly anyway.

The Sad Reality

Today I witnessed the sad reality of schools in our country. It is damn well-expected; everyone knows it’s the truth and yet nobody can change anything.

Hentam je lah.

We don’t have time already.

Nobody cares anyway.

Sad but very true.

Teachers are occupied with so many programmes expected out of them. We are constantly instructed to attend meetings, take up roles as chaperons, organise plenty of non-teaching events etc which often cause us having to miss classes and yet feel completely okay with that.

Being part of the system: is to accept this sad reality.

Our Favourite Famous Person

Currently I am teaching 2 classes only hehe of which one is Form 2 and the other Form 3.

Today, for my 3A3, the topic was Famous People. When I wrote the two words on the whiteboard, half of the class asked, “Teacher, apa itu famous?”.

Note: This is the fifth out of seven classes, and yes the students have a limited vocabulary. About 75% of the students are Siamese; and they had trouble understanding BM tatabahasa – which means translation/code-switching is not applicable when explaining sentence structures.

I asked if anybody knows the word and only a boy replied, “Popular!”.

After eliciting several names of popular people, we played Charades. I divided the class into 2; boys vs girls team (due to request). It took 20 freaking minutes for us to get to the 4th turn. The girls were still being extremely hesitant and dependent although there was a slight improvement compared to first week of class. I had to admit that this was the first time I felt that girls are more difficult to be encouraged than boys. Many teachers in the school agreed with me regarding this. #truecase

So I moved on to the next activity – producing a Our Favourite Famous Person poster. I showed them the end product I expected from them while giving instructions (so that I won’t have to repeat the instructions in BM and thus preventing their demands and reliance to listen to instructions in BM).

This was a product from 3AG2 – a ‘better’ class. I carried out the exact lesson and got a totally different response from them. We managed to guess at least 20 names and poster was produced within 30 minutes.

I reminded them that I wanted sentences and showed some examples on the board. Previously we learnt that because means ‘kerana’ – so I pointed out that they should write ‘I like … because he/she is …’.

And these are some of the end products.

This was from a boys’ group believe it or not..lol.
Note: quit is meant to be ‘cute’

Great drawing over here.

Learnt about the existence of this dude from the students (incapable teacher haha).
Some Siamese words as well! 😀

As a motivation, I wrote all 5 descriptions (corrected versions) of their favourite famous people and asked them to copy into their books. Surprisingly, they told me that they were proud of their work and copied them diligently even though it was already 5 minutes into recess time.

Vocabulary of the day : national & international.

Quite a fruitful lesson I think!

Teaching Week 2

Finally made a comeback after being on hiatus for so long. 2014 had been the best year to name, yet I could not even stop myself from giving plentiful of excuses whenever I thought of writing. Teaching Practicum from Jan to April – temporary tutoring at Cambridge English for Life – short escapade to Pulau Perhentian with parents and their buddies in May – graduation trip to Taiwan in July – trip to Kuching in August for the Asia TEFL Conference and lots of outings – part time job at Erican Language Centre – a whole month’s trip to Plymouth in December; good times definitely ended before you called it enough.

And without realising it, it had been 2 weeks since my career began. I am still clueless around the school; there are times I feel alienated and really lonely. Don’t get me wrong, the teachers are friendly and the students are wonderful – maybe it was just me in the process of getting the right rhythm and setting the vision straight. I am eager to help these students, and that is the very reason I feel a deep pang of disappointment when they did not try hard enough. English is definitely a foreign language here; students struggle hard enough to speak the Malay language, what more the white people’s.

So far, I was given only 2 classes after much confusion – a Form 2 and a Form 3. Maybe my presence was not really needed here as there seemed to be enough teachers around. I wonder if that is the similar case in most schools. I have entered both classes not more than 3 times; and could already sense that they have never thought of a sentence in English. In my first lessons, they literally begged me to speak in BM even though I was merely introducing myself and carrying out an ice-breaking game.

Today I asked myself a question – how am I going to teach them when some of them don’t even know what a thief and a country is?

The school system is a whole complicated thing. It was just a completely different world from what we had imagined it to be. It isn’t a cruel world, but you will find it difficult if you don’t fit it.

Will update more about what I have done in my classes, hopefully that is!

Tomorrow marks my first teacher duty – taking up the role of a chaperon (due to an immediate request). Getting an unpleasant hunch that this role would cause me having to sacrifise my teaching hours..

And I Keep Looking

While Skype dating today, I browsed through some pictures and things I kept in the drawer. A random thought came to my mind.

 

I have been receiving so much; have I been giving enough?

So how on Earth am I going to find the answer to this question?

 

Being a Teacher

You are on the right track. keep it up!

Well, I would definitely send my children to you.

Said my supervisor today. Those words meant a lot to me. They probably meant everything to me. Being in the education line, whenever anyone approached me and asked “So what’s your plan in the future? Are you ready to teach?”, I admit that I always could never answer the question. Honestly, I had never imagined myself teaching for real, what more imagine my teaching style, my future career or anything in that line.

I’d always remember the almost-killing anxiety on my very first day in school/class. Honestly, I was almost at the verge of a panic attack.

Now, after 2 weeks in school, I could never imagine how I would feel after 3 months. It’s a little early to talk about the emotional connection, but I already have the image in mind. Shall update about it when the time comes! (:

I had planned to post about my daily teaching experiences, but I could never find the time. School has me occupied. I am constantly thinking about my students each day, in a good way. Got to say that it is not because they are all boys! Lol.

 

And suddenly, I feel that I have grown older…

 

What Matters Most

In life, there would be many circumstances in which we reflect upon what we have with people around us.

We may have friends whom we have known their names yet we have never spoken a single word to.

We may have closed ones who have turned into strangers in our lives. 

We may have certain people who used to be the light of our lives, but now they no longer care about our existance anymore.

We may have best friends whom we realised that we no longer understand them like before.

Nevertheless, we still have friends whom we have never met for ages yet catching up is never difficult nor complicated.

And that is what is most important after all. :’)

Turning a Deaf Ear

This is one of those times that I feel helpless because I couldn’t craft what I think and feel into words.

Pathetic. This is a word which keeps haunting me at the moment.

Right now, all I’m doing is keeping myself from thinking how pathetic certain things and people can be.

Oh. Welcome back to Kelantan.