June 4, 2013 § 1 Comment
That was the last sentence my tutor said to me when she saw me looking at my empty lecture class opposite her office before I left. I bad her goodbye and she gave a tight squeeze when I hugged her.
At that moment, my heart sank into pieces. I could still remember the unwillingness to leave Malaysia in 2010. I could still remember how much I longed to be back at home just after I started the first day in Plymouth. I could still remember how foreign it felt to be in Marjon, the small university college which clearly was not surrounded by great facilities. I could still remember wishing that three years would come by like the blink of the eye.
I could still remember questioning myself if taking up the whole scholarship is what I really wanted.
Today, I had the answer.
This is what I want to do. I want to be a teacher, who can inspire others like how my teachers and lecturers have inspired me.
Writing this now, I laughed at myself. Maybe it’s a little too late to realise that..
Three months ago, I was really happy and eager for the fact that I would be home for good after three years.
Now, when it’s finally less than two weeks to go, I stumble upon a weird unwillingness to leave.
The thought of leaving the peaceful town, the warm university, the happy life and the loving family here is very much depressing.
The worse part is, each day seems to go faster than the day before.
So that’s it. This is really the final bit of the journey.
April 15, 2013 § Leave a comment
Yep. The remaining five weeks of classes here. I began throwing myself a million questions as I sat in the empty classroom early in the morning.
Will I ever had the chance to be here in this class, this town, this country again?
What is it that I have learnt for the past three years?
How will I ever remember the experiences of studying in a place like this?
A million questions like that flooded my mind, and I did not have a single question to any. Not ready to leave? It’s startng to sink in. Just a month ago, I was really eager to be home finally. Like really finally. Now, the fact that ‘everything will be your last’ ignites an uncertainty.
Few things that I’ve learnt today in class:-
1. “A successful teacher is a teacher who LOVEs the subject and CAREs for the students.”
2. You can see right through someone who pretends to care.
3. People and things change fast. You just have to accept the fact.
March 20, 2013 § Leave a comment
When there is a desire there’s gonna be a flame,
Where there is a flame someone’s bound to get burned,
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die,
You gotta get up and try and try,
You gotta get up and try and try.
Trying is the most I can do.
January 30, 2013 § Leave a comment
In the midst of producing words for dissertation, I looked out the window on my left.
A minute ago, the sun was shining brightly, so brightly that I had moved my belongings to the seat further away. Now, I see little raindrops hitting the window pane, accompanied by strong gushes of wind. A group of athletic guys across the field kicked their football away, and run for shelter.
The sudden change in weather. So rainy and so windy.
It distracts me for a second.
And in my earphones, Boyce Avenue’s lyrics went by.
Inside you’re dying cause you can’t believe…
It was none of your fault… (song: Broken Angel)
How this moment complements my feelings right now.
It’s okay. I will not question. Anymore.
And just another minute later, the sun appeared again. And so, the rain just stopped. As abruptly as it appeared.
How I wish this feeling would disappear as easily as that.
January 25, 2013 § Leave a comment
Where have you been?
I had always thought that being sincere is the most important, but maybe being sincere isn’t enough. I’m sorry isn’t enough. A bitter lesson yet to be learned. A history yet to be repeated.
January 10, 2013 § Leave a comment
It all comes to mentality, isn’t it? Or rather self-pride.
Like, thinking that being part of a crime isn’t wrong because you are not the one ‘doing’ it, and crime is only considered a crime if committed by others but never you or your friends.
January 2, 2013 § 2 Comments
What I have done in 2012 :
Fulfilled my first vow on 1st Jan 2012. Ticked.
Going to places I have never been before. Ticked.
Doing things I have never done before. Ticked.
But, there were so many moments when I just wished that I were still under the protection of my parents, where life was so easy and simple, where I never seemed to have felt stressed before not even for examinations, when I don’t have to think and bear those feelings alone.
Missing family and friends back in Taiping, homesick. Ticked.
There were also so many moments when I tried my best to cater to other’s feelings that I sometimes have to suffer through it alone. I don’t know why this year there had been so many times that I consoled myself through things by reminding myself that in the end , people only think about themselves first.
Being very happy. Ticked.
What am I going to do in 2013?
Just go with the flow and make the best out of everything. 23 years have easily passed by, and I just want more.